Dear The Onion

Fake News For Real People

Recovering Gambling Addict Won’t Leave Change Machine

SHREVEPORT, LA - “I win every time,” the recovering gambling addict said as he deposited yet another one-dollar bill into the change machine. Other patrons at the laundromat, at the corner of Smith and Main Street, aren’t as enthused.

“I’ve been waiting for half an hour,” one patron said. “How much laundry does this guy have, anyway?”

The recovering addict, who only answers to ‘Lucky Eddie’, smelled of liquor and cigarette smoke and did not seem to have a bag of dirty laundry.

It is believed that Lucky Eddie has up to $47.25 in quarters, and counting.

“This machine is hot, baby!” Lucky Eddie yelled, converting his few remaining bills into change. “I think I’ve got my mojo back. I know I shouldn’t, but after I’m done here I’m gonna go bet on the ponies,” he said, referring to the coin-operated rocking horse ride sitting just outside the laundromat. Each ride costs twenty-five cents.

I saw an ad for this site on The Onion and thought it was fake. Apparently it’s real! Though still pretty funny, which maybe isn’t what they’re going for. http://www.invisibledogs.org/

I saw an ad for this site on The Onion and thought it was fake. Apparently it’s real! Though still pretty funny, which maybe isn’t what they’re going for.

http://www.invisibledogs.org/

Former Pizza Company CEO Guarantees Surge at the Polls

WASHINGTON, DC - Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain, a former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza, has taken his surge at the polls to heart. The now-frontrunner for the Republican nomination is promising a free can of Surge soda for every vote he receives.

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Writer Looks To Explore Triality Of Man

IOWA CITY, IA - Aspiring writer Anton Merkower believes he will write the great American novel by exploring an aspect of society seldom broached. Anton will look at the triality of man, instead of the standard duality of man found in much of literature.

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thedailywhat:

A Plank Too Far of the Day: It was all fun and fads on the set of Ten News during last week’s spotlight on the “planking” craze that’s taking Australia by storm.

But the laughter quickly subsided after it was reported last night that a man partaking in the Internet phenomenon plunged to his death from the seventh-story balcony of an apartment building in Brisbane.

“This morning we have seen a young man take this activity a step further and attempt to plank on a balcony,” said Deputy Police Commissioner Ross Barnett. “Unfortunately he has tragically fallen to his death.”

Police are warning people not to take unnecessary risks in their quest for the ultimate planking photo. Those who break the law while planking will be charged and fined, Barnett said, “[b]ut no penalty will ever return this young man to his family and friends.”

[ten / watoday / e|c / thanks ben & warren!]

So this is a real thing and not made up. This would have been a perfect Onion News Network video. It’s sad that someone died doing it, but everything else about this is absurdly hilarious. Also funny, the rugby player’s chyron (at around 1:21) is “Manly player” (and yes, I realize Manly is the name of the team, but still).

(Source: thedailywhat)

Companies Running Out of Names for New Smartphones

LIBERTYVILLE, IL - Phone company executives around the world acknowledged they are quickly running out of names for their smartphones. Motorola chief technology officer Tony Ja said that the industry is reaching “Peak Name,” when all of the cool and plausible phone names will already have been used.

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The Final Edition

What’s this?? A news parody site?! A NEW news parody site?!? Oh my, it looks like there is a pretender to the Onion crown. And it’s started by a National Lampoon alum and Spinal Tap manager, so it’s kind of legit. And also pretty funny. Read more about it here.